5 FOOTBALL FATTIES

When we think of fat people we don't associate them with sport and exercise and especially not with Premier League football, but the top level of English football has seen a fair few fatties come and go over the years. Here are five.

Jan Molby

Mahusive ex-Liverpool central midfield man Molby notched up over 200 appearances for the Reds, picking up 11 medals between 1984 and 1996. Being from Denmark, Molby was obviously brought up on a diet of bacon and pastries, so, therefore, struggled with his weight. The table after mealtimes might have been a messy affair for the Dane but his ball skills were anything but, he displayed such elegance and calm that Liverpool agreed to take him on. They decided that because Molby couldn't run up and down the pitch like the other players, he would not move from the centre circle all game and would only play simple five-yard passes, this was a system that worked wonders and Molby didn't give the ball away once during his Liverpool career. He could even afford to have the odd bacon sarnie on a Saturday morning much to the envy of his teammates.

Neville Southall

Welsh international keeper and salad dodger Southall enjoyed a successful career, spanning over two decades. He is remembered mostly for his time at Everton where he became one of the best keepers in the world. The secret to Southall's success was simple, the bigger you get, the less that will get past you Southall vowed to be the first keeper to fill the whole goal with his weight and never concede again, this though was to have an adverse effect on his health and he was advised not to get too big by doctors. Such was his determination to keep a clean sheet, Southall would go ballistic if he conceded a goal and after the game would deal with his anger by eating. It got that bad that staff at Everton would have to make sure a take-away from the local Indian or Chinese would be waiting in the dressing room after matches just in case. Southall retired from the game in 2002 and has recently set up his own website where he charges people £99 for a one-hour phone conversation. Here he offers advice, such as the best curry houses across the country, where you must order prawn crackers and which places give you them free and how many beers you should have had before avoiding chilli sauce on your kebab.



 Micky Quinn

Liverpool-born porker Quinn was a centre forward and played for clubs such as Portsmouth, Newcastle and Coventry during the eighties and nineties. Quinn was a deadly finisher and could put away a meat pie within seconds of receiving it, his goalscoring ability wasn't bad either. It is believed that Quinn's love for pies was to help him score more goals as instead of receiving a cash bonus, Quinn was given a pie for each goal he scored, a particular highlight was his debut for Newcastle in 1989 where he scored four goals, while others would be happy with the match ball, Quinn immersed himself in pastry heaven after the game. During his 3 years at Newcastle, Quinn wolfed down 59 pies in 115 appearances, he then went on to play for  Coventry where he bagged an impressive 10 pies in his first 6 games. Overall Quinn ate 237 pies in his footballing career.

Thomas Brolin

Big Swedish bloater Brolin, was regarded as a very good footballer in his early years playing for a good Parma team in Italy which included Gianfranco Zola and helping Sweden to a third-place finish in world cup 94'. But after his departure from Parma in 1995, Brolin piled on the pounds and although he signed for Leeds United in the same year it was fair to say his best years were behind him. During his spell at Leeds Brolin became lazy and during his time off would sit at home and eat chocolate, it wasn't long before Brolin began to resemble a pub team player, turning up just before kick-off stinking of booze and kebabs, putting on a shirt that barely fitted him and kept his running to a minimum. After controversial run-ins with the manager and the club, Brolin eventually left Leeds in 1997, making just 20 appearances. Crystal Palace signed the Swede a year later in the hope that he could revive his best years, but it was too late the belly had well and truly got Brolin. He managed just 13 appearances for the Eagles and at just 29 years old, he retired the same year to take up being fat full-time.

Frank Lampard

Without a doubt, the fattest bastard of them all is Frank Lampard. Fat Frank as he's known on the terraces is so big it's a wonder he even gets out of bed in the morning let alone plays football. If there was a weight restriction in the Premier League Frank would surely be out of a job. The fact he has played for Chelsea 377 times, scoring 128 goals, winning 3 Premier League titles, 4 FA cups, 2 League cups, 2 Community shields, a Champions League winners medal and got 92 caps for his country, scoring 25 goals is nothing short of a miracle.

FOOTBALL ROLE MODELS PART ONE...... JOEY BARTON

Joey Barton started his senior football career in 2002 with Manchester City where he spent a delightful five years, before signing for Newcastle United in July 2007. Barton spent four years with the Geordie outfit, quietly going about his business before moving to London to join Queens Park Rangers in 2011.

A true professional in every sense of the word, Barton is often well known for his angelic behaviour on and off the field.  You would perhaps describe him as the dash of milk on top of a freshly made cup of tea, just cooling the heat down gently, when others around him are boiling over.

Good Samaritan Barton is not just a friend within football but also outside fast food joints, where he can often be seen breaking up unnecessary fights when any security provided by nightclub doormen is long gone. 33 year old Barton has also spent some time in prison where he helps offenders overcome their difficulties and give them hope for the future and in 2008 he kindly agreed to work unpaid for 200 hours, in a bid perhaps, to suggest that not all footballers are overpaid wankers.

The Liverpool born midfielder is great with youngsters from all walks of life. In December 2004, at City’s Christmas bash, Barton caught one of the youth team players smoking a cigar and explained to him politely that smoking was bad for the players health and that it would ruin his aspiring football career.  Barton’s way to get this message across was to stub the cigar out in his eye, choosing this technique over the other popular method of making him smoke a whole packet until he feels sick. The kid was thankful for Barton’s intervention, even though his career was to slowly diminish after that.                                                                                                           

Another incident the following summer earned the city man more plaudits, this time away on a pre-season tour of Thailand, when a 15 year old Everton fan was being overly boisterous. Barton took it in to his own hands (literally) to explain he was not too old for a good beating up, which I’m sure the boy took on board.

They say there is no such thing as a friendly in football and Joey Barton can vouch for that. In a pre-season friendly at Doncaster in 2004 Barton thought he’d make the game a little more competitive and decided to spark a brawl by hacking at an opposition player; just a good natured thing to do to make the game that little bit more interesting, not just for the players, but spectators too.                                                                        

It’s not just on the field that Joey’s good to have around. In the dressing room and training ground he’s always laughing and joking with the lads and organising a prank or two. On one funny occasion at City he decided to sneak up slowly on French team mate Ousmane Dabo and assault him, punching him several times in the face resulting in Dabo suffering a detached retina, much to the amusement of players and staff looking on. Determined to get his own back on his prankster colleague, Dabo decided to land the Scouser in court suing him for assault. I suppose you could say just your everyday training ground tom foolery.

Barton’s performances on the pitch have always earned him many plaudits, the vision and finesse of his passing being the central focus, but Barton can certainly put in a good tackle as well, often holding his own against the toughest tackling midfielders. If Barton does miss time a tackle and commit a foul he’s quick to hold his hands up and take his punishment, often checking to see if the player lying on the ground is ok.

In his spare time Barton, unlike many professional footballers prefers to stay out of the limelight and keep a low profile. Barton is a person who likes to keep his thoughts and opinions to himself, only going on twitter three times a day and running a small website called www.joeybarton.com. 

Having only picked up a mere 6 red cards and 84 yellow in his career, most of which were due to the referees’ incompetence, Barton can only be described as great ambassador for the game. He has become a huge role model for youngsters looking to become proffessional footballers and as Barton would no doubt say if there is a ball to be won, take the player instead.

BBC TO INTRODUCE TUMBLE WEED CLIP AFTER MARK LAWRENSON'S BAD JOKES

Lawrenson, just not funny

The BBC are set to cover up the uncomfortable silences after a Mark Lawrenson joke by introducing a 5 second clip of Tumble Weed blowing in the wind.

This new idea from the BBC will launch in the new season on Match Of The Day and has come off the back of complaints from viewers and working colleagues of Lawrenson. They claim to feel embarrassed for the ex Liverpool defender and have asked for something to be introduced for the awkward pause after these truly appalling jokes.  

A spokesman for BBC Sport said they would rather do this than have to tell Lawrenson to stop trying to be funny. "It's difficult to speak to Lawro about this, as he genuinely thinks he's being funny, but he must think people are laughing at home, because his colleagues certainly aren't".

Guy Mowbray who has been commentating alongside Lawrenson for sometime, thinks the introduction of tumbleweed is a good idea as he is finding it increasingly difficult to fake laugh. "I just can't lie to him any more", said a frustrated Mowbray. "Just the other day we were commentating on a game and I referred to a player having something up his sleeve and Lawro replied by saying "yeah probably his shirt", I couldn't even fake laugh that one, so it just felt silent, I felt really embarrassed for him as it was just awful. I mean he's a great pundit, but he should leave the jokes to the comedians".

This is the first of many new changes coming to Match Of The Day in August, others could possibly include Alan Shearer and Danny Murphy sporting a wig, Gary Lineker having his ears pinned back and Martin Keown's face being censored.

EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP HEROES- WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

With Euro 2016 just around the corner a new hero is waiting to be born. Not literally as it wouldn't be possible for a new born baby to play football with grown men, firstly it's too dangerous and secondly he'd be crap. Here is a look at some heroes from years gone by and what has become of them.

Michel Platini

Frenchman Platini was the hero of the 1984 European Championships as he captained his side to glory, scoring an incredible 9 times. Platini enjoyed playing the beautiful game, but his real love and passion was for self contained underwater breathing apparatus, Scuba for short. When his Football career was over Platini began to take up Scuba diving full-time and became very good at that as well, acquiring medals for biggest dive and most fish collected. As Platini got older his diving became less frequent, but he is still very much involved in Scuba and is President of 'Simulation' the Scuba diving club in La Londe, South of France.


Marco Van Basten

The Dutch maestro was once hailed the best in the world, at playing football. In Euro 1988 he helped his Holland side to the Championship title with 5 goals, one of those a sublime volley from a ridiculous angle in the final against the Soviet Union. This goal became famous,with youngsters trying to replicate the finish down local parks all across the world. After his career was over Van Basten cashed in on his wonder strike. He released a DVD entitled 'That Goal' which included it being shown from every camera angle, plus interviews with Van Basten, and other famous players about the goal. T-shirts, mugs, pencil cases, even a board game was made in honour of the goal. Nowadays Van Basten runs a Soccer school, teaching kids how to score a sublime volley from a ridiculous angle against the Soviet Union. Unfortunately, this hasn't been a success due to the Soviet Union no longer existing.


John Jensen

The Danish midfielder was an unlikely hero in Euro 1992. His smashing shot from the edge of the box put Denmark on their way to a famous victory in the final against Germany. Following that goal, all the big names wanted to sign Jensen and it was Arsenal who eventually captured his signature. The Gunners fans were looking forward to some great goals from the Dane, but they were to be disappointed as he managed just 1 goal in 4 years at the club. It was later discovered that the reason for the Dane mis-firing on the pitch was because he was scoring so much off it. Jensen was a real hit with the ladies and his moustache had become something of a love brush. So it was no surprise that when Jensen retired from Football, he entered the world of porn. For many years Jensen was banging them in left, right and centre, but now he's got a bit older and his back's playing up, he prefers to take the directors seat. With his love of football and porn he's decided to combine the two in his films. These include, 'Massive Tackle', 'Sextra Time' and 'Two Footed Clunge'.


Oliver Bierhoff

Germany were trailing 1-0 to the Czech's in the final of Euro 96' and needed some inspiration. Off the bench came Udinese striker Oliver Bierhoff and he changed the game with two goals to give the Germans the trophy. When he returned to Italy the following season it soon became apparent that Bierhoff was only good as a substitute and he was used this way for the rest of his career, scoring some very important goals along the way. Since Bierhoff retired he has struggled to get out of the substitute role and will turn up late to almost everything. This includes going to the cinema for the last 20 minutes of the film, having sex with his wife and turning up with an hour left of his shift at International Shipping Partners in Berlin, where he works as a Senior Logistics Manager.


Angelos Charisteas

Greek Charisteas, was the hero of his country in 2004. His goal against hosts Portugal in the final was to give Greece the unlikeliest of victories. Charisteas, who was playing for German side Werder Bremen at the time, was put on a pedestal when he returned to his native Greece to parade the trophy. He then celebrated with players and fans. While others eventually went back to their normal lives, Charisteas did not and has continued to celebrate for 8 years. Despite numerous calls from his club to report for pre-season training each year, Charisteas remains at large and there are doubts he will ever return.